Avoiding Condescension in your Communications

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It’s something that is almost universally hated – being condescended to. When someone talks to you as though you are stupid, it makes you feel angry and frustrated, and whatever it is they are trying to say can get lost in the hostility you feel as a result of being patronized. However, despite the fact we all hate it, we still fall into the trap of subjecting other people to it, both in everyday life and in business. Why do you do it, and what can you do to avoid its negative effects?

Why does it make people so angry?

No-one likes to think of themselves as unintelligent. Although we recognize that very few people will ever be an Einstein or a Hawking, part of our self-respect is linked to the perception of being reasonably bright. When someone talks down to you, you resent the implication that your intelligence is lower than your perception of it, finding it difficult to warm to someone who makes you feel this way. In some cases, this tone of the conversation is intentional, for example when someone is insecure themselves, and the only way they can boost their self-esteem is to assume others are less intelligent than themselves. In other cases, it’s entirely unintended and arises as a consequence of someone wishing to be clear and ensure they are understood, which due to poor communication skills comes across as condescending.

How to approach the problem

First off you need to identify whether you have a problem with the way you communicate. If you train recruits in your company, see what feedback you can get from them. In your efforts to appear authoritative in this situation, you can come across as aggressive or arrogant, so see how the trainees respond to you and gather evidence on how well they perform following the training. It can sometimes feel like you are stuck in a Catch-22 situation. If you explain in too simple a way you get accused of being patronizing, but if you don’t explain things clearly enough people will complain that they don’t understand what you’re saying.

Improving your communication skills

If you are a financial advisor, for instance, going through the investments of a new client, you must strike a balance between explaining how a 1031 exchange scheme works in sufficient detail that they can grasp the tax benefits, but avoiding alienating your client if they feel you are talking down to them. Start by asking how much your client knows about what you are covering, so you can apologize in advance if anything comes across as too simplistic, and you can spend extra time explaining if they are struggling with the concepts you are discussing. If you’re running a training session, ask questions and respond positively to any comments or observations made by the participants. They need to know you are listening to them, and, most importantly, that you aren’t making assumptions about how much they know.

The skills of human communication can be learned and built upon, so if you have problems with effective communication, it’s well worth considering trying a self-help program or seeking professional advice.